Angry again

I have decided to start using this as a journal to help me get over the anger and depression I experience with very little provocation. I am hoping this helps me overcome negativity in general as I seem to be so prone it it. I am also hoping that someone will see my posts and offer some helpful advice.

Today a person in management basically asked for special treatment on occasion because she believes that she follows it most of the time. She also believed that I was giving her a hard time when I was actually attempting to help her by routing her service request for her. I calmly explained via email what my intentions were and that I would assist her if I could but that I could not because I have no control of the resource she was requesting access to. I cannot help but to feel angry over this misunderstanding on her part and I know that I should not desk this way. I mean, my first reaction is to get pissed and want to retaliate. Of course I didn't but I still wanted to. Actually writing about this makes me feel better....

I know this is my biggest weakness at work. My supervisors have told me so. Hell, the president said that I looked stressed yesterday. This isn't a fucking life or death situation so why do tend to feel that it is??? I am going to start writing down what makes me angry and talking it over with myself so we will see how that goes. Next up, my love life....

I want to be a renaissance man. I want to be a man of many talents. I want to be a great drummer. I want to be a great IT professional. I want to be a great leader. I want to be someone others can look to and up to.  I want to stop looking inward and start looking forward. I want to help, to make a mark on other peoples' lives in a positive way. I want them to think of me as a great man in the manner of Christ not so much as Trump but more like Gandhi. The problem is I am a selfish and lazy. The effort is too painful and the gratification is too long in coming. I want to fix this problem.

But Rome wasn't built in a day neither shall I be. I am closing the cheap high chapter of my life where happiness could be found in a bottle or a pill. The effort of which burns away all the guilt, all the pain, all the procrastination of a good life. For the first time, in a long time, I feel purposeful. God, if you are out there, hear my prayer of serenity.